You know that feeling when you can just tell something isn’t quite right in your life? A feeling that no matter how hard you try, just won’t go away? It’s like a voice in the back of your mind, talking and talking, but you can’t quite figure out what it’s saying or what you should do about it. I know that feeling. I HAVE that feeling.
I would be lying if I said everything is okay at the moment. It’s not. For quite some time I’ve known something isn’t right and something has to change. I am not happy. To be frank I can’t remember the last time I was truly happy without a care in the world. Being only 21 year old and saying exactly that is utterly disturbing and so so wrong.
I have been thinking, searching and just picking my brain to figure out why I feel this way. Not long ago I think I discovered why. I don’t think university is the place for me… I would love to say that it is, I mean, it’s kinda cool and I do feel a sense of pride when I tell people I go to university. But it doesn’t bring me the happiness and joy I thought it would. Maybe it’s because of everything else that has happened these past six months? I don’t know..
It’s not that different from high school to be honest with you. Only now I only have two classes a week and the only person I talk to on a regular basis is Cecilie. If she wasn’t there it would be such a lonely place. I know that for a fact cause there has been several times this semester where I’ve been on my own as she understandably had to be with her family due to certain circumstances.
I’m not excited about doing my coursework or going to any of my classes. It’s not like I hate it or anything but it just doesn’t excite me as much as I thought or hoped for. Maybe it will change when I begin my own courses I don’t know, but right now just the thought of having to write another project like the one I just handed in makes me want to curl up in a ball and cry. Keep in mind I have to write 100 pages every. single. semester. If I hate just the thought about it, is it the right place for me to be? Should I be trying to get a job or internship instead? It’s a much more unsure way of life but what if it’s the right thing for me to do? I just can’t stand the idea of having to wait five whole years to finally begin my career – I want to start NOW; the sooner the better. I want to work, to gain experiences and learn hands on every single day. How can university give me that?
I am so scared of being a failure it hurts. But if there is one thing that scares me even more is being instead of living. I don’t want to just be. I want to live… I want to be happy.
Can someone please tell me I’m not the only one having this feeling of being a little lost? Not necessarily in terms of school but just in general? Do let me know x